[big_ipaq]

World`s best 4 doors saloon (BMW M5)

For a kick-off, the new 5 series is an ugly car... Fat at the back and with headlights like Edna Everage's spectacles... So... To mast the horror they festooned the M5 with a deep chin spoiler... And big exhausts... And M5 badges on every panel.

There's nothing quiet or dignified about this, it's a very shouty car:

"Look at me! Look how powerful I am! Hrrrr... Arrrrr. I'm a shark! I've got a fin on my back."

And things are even worse when you get inside. It has, so much technology in here, that you can't just get in and go. I mean, first of all, you get to choose how ferocious you want the gear changes to be. You get a choice of five settings for that, then there's three for the differential and two for the suspension.

You can even choose how long you want the headlamps to stay on after you get home at night. And it's not just like 10, 20, 30 seconds, it's infinite. So... I want 33 seconds... Or... or 34...? or... 37...? I don't know... 42...? It's just like in a coffee shop... Do I want the skimmed milk, do I want the water, do I want to buy espresso... 30... 37! No! 38...

It's a good job this is a powerful car because by the time you finished fiddling with all the computer stuff, you'll have a lot of time to make up.

The engine however doesn't sound very powerful, when you start it... Sounds more like a diesel. It is quick, it's just that with a 5 liter, 400 bhp, V10, I was expecting more...

So far then, things are looking bad. The new M5 is too ugly, too flash, too complicated and not very fast.

Then you get to a town, and it gets worse.

It doesn't really matter what you do with the gearbox. Manual, automatic, soft changes, hard changes at this kind of speed it's slow and dimwitted and jerky and you roll backwards and forwards on hills... And the ride's rubbish.

And then, things get really bad...

So you're driving along and the tune you really like comes on the radio. So you think, well, I'll turn this up. There's the volume knob, I'll push it. It's gone. And now I've got a fat bin to the tend wobling. So you have to go into the computer... Entertainment... FM or AM? Who listens to the light program?!? Who?!? Apart from the Queen and the Queen hasn't got an M5. Why are you giving me this choice?!?

And when you're doing all that, don't whatever you do hit the indicator stalk because it will not self cancel.

It won't go off, and if you try to put the stalk back in the middle again, the other one is gone on.

When you do finally get the song you were listening to back on the radio again... Nice... (satnav woman: ...left one hundred ...) You get about... (satnav woman: ... fifty yards ahead and then take second road on the left...)... Satnav woman interrupts... And she, she can not be turned off. (satnav woman: take the next road on the left...) Shut up! (satnav woman: ...turn left two hundred yards ahead...)

I had to pull over to see if I could shut her down. (satnav woman: ... please make a legal U-turn...)

Vehicle position... Journey computer... Assistant window... I've had and idea... Oh, yes... Hahahaaaaa... Hahahahaaaaa... Turn the engine off, that will kill her...

I have to say this M5 is a massive dissappointment, I mean... 62.000 pounds... You would expect it to arrive ready setup. You know, why should you spend all that money, it's not flatpat furniture, it's not, you know, saving money, it's expensive... BMW are the experts. They should sell a car ready made... (satnav woman: ... turn right onto B4602 a quarter of a mile ahead ...) As I was saying, BMW are the experts, they are the ones that should sell us a car ready made, not one that you have to go home and then spend the rest of time, looking through the manual and how do I want this, and how do I want that. (satnav woman: ... take the next road on the right...) it's almost as if they've made every single button (satnav woman: ... turn left half a mile ahead...) It's almost as... (satnav woman: ... attention, traffic restricted area is ahead...) It's almost as if they've made every single button in this car, deliberately complicated and deliberately annoying... Except, for this one...

Push this and everything changes...

You get a head-up display, showing a rev counter and what gear you're in. The seatbelts just close-up in the bends, to hold you tight. The gearbox goes to a BMW default setting, so it's the diff, so it's the suspension. And so it's the engine.

After you push this button, the engine is not longer producing 400 bhp. It's producing 507. And that makes a difference.

This car stops being annoying and becomes JUST MAGNIFICENT!

In M mode you're taken to a time and a place where there are no jams, no compromises. It's a world of motoring perfection. A place where you can get from 0-60 in 4.5 seconds. And if you remove the limiter, it hits 204 miles an hour. You want to take it on, don't bother.

Doesn't matter what you you've got, doesn't matter what you've ever driven, this is quicker, it's faster, it's more astonishing. You just find it hard to believe that you're in a big 4 door saloon cause it goes, it feels and it sounds like a Ferrari 430 and that's about the best car I've ever driven. OHHHH, YES!

When you're in a car, this fast and this tactile and this responsive, you no longer care about the stupid indicators or the satnav woman, or what's on the radio. UHHH! The steering, the brakes, the power... And this noise... The driving experience just dominates everything.

Amazing, isn't it? That this is one of the ugliest and most annoying cars in the world but at a touch of a button, it becomes one of the very best, it becomes an M5!

Do you think he loves or hates BMWs? I think he loves them...

[Master Deep]

He owns one.

[BK]

Yeah, he owns an M5, doesn't he? I think it's safe to say he likes them.