[3.0L]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

Are you testing (tap, tap) testing us?

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[M5Rick]

What did the fisherman say to the magician?
''Pick a cod, any cod''

[Captain Blood]

John Cleese says today is national joke day. Not sure which country that is for though.

[M5Rick]

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion...
Apparently,''Really big ones'' wasn't an acceptable answer

[Markr]

A horse walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer.
Barman says “that will be $20”, the horse pays the money.
Barman says “we don’t get many horses in here”, the horse says “at $20 a beer, I am not surprised”

[Lady Jane]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”

The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”

The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”

The preacher said, “No fecking shit?”

[M5Rick]

Can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick

Seriously,how low can you go.

[Lady Jane]

Justin Trudeau, Putin and Xi all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Xi calls China and talks for 30 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so he writes him a check.

Finally Trudeau gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When finished, the Devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin and Xi hear this, they go ballistic and asks the Devil why Trudeau got to call Canada so cheaply. The Devil smiles and replies, "Since Trudeau took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.”

[M5Rick]

People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into movie theatres

Well lets just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve

[Mandi90TT]

A jewish guy walks into a synagogue and goes straight over to the rabbi. He says: "Rabbi, I need help. I have a big problem with my son. I did all that I could to raise him in the faith. I took him to Sabbath services every Saturday, and sent him to Hebrew school after regular school every Wednesday. He had a bar mitzvah. I sent him on a trip to Israel. I even sent him to seminary college for Jews. Yesterday, he came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!"

The rabbi replies: "You know, it's funny that you should come to me about this! I also have a son that I did all I could to raise as a Jew. I brought him to temple every Saturday. He went to Hebrew school after regular school too. He had a bar mitzvah, visited Israel, and went to seminary college as well. He too came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!"

The jewish guy inquires: "Well, what did you do about it?"

The rabbi tells him that he asked God about it.

"Well, what did God say?" asks the guy.

God said: "You know it's funny you should come to me about this!"

[Mandi90TT]

A family walks into a hotel.

The father goes up to the front desk and he says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

[Buug959]

.

[M5Rick]

For the last seven years I've been voted ''the most secretive guy'' in the office by my co-workers.

Can't tell you how much this award means to me.

[Markr]

Someone has changed all the buttons around in the elevator

That’s wrong on so many levels.

[M5Rick]

Why did the traffic light turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

[M5Rick]

What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?

Outlaws are wanted.

[sygazelle]

How do you catch a rabbit?

Lay in the grass and make a noise like a carrot.

[sygazelle]

How do you catch a bear?


Dig a hole
Put ashes in the hole
Put peas around the hole

When the bear comes down to take a pee you kick him the ash hole.


Sorry.

[3.0L]

Two drunks were sitting on curb, just outside a bar:

Drunk #1: "Hey man, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Drunk #2: "Yeah."

Drunk #1: "Man, I'll bet that hurt!"

[3.0L]

Little Johnny knocks on the door.

Man: “Wow, very nice pirate costume!”

Little Johnny: “Thanks.”

Man: “Where’s your buccaneers?”

Little Johnny: “Under my buckin’ hat!”

[BMWGUYinCO]

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself: "That's a little condescending...."

[Mandi90TT]

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "My horse aint where I left it. I'm going to sit back down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back by the time I'm done, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, and I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"

True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink. The bar is deadly silent as he finishes up his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "Walk home."