[Mr Tonka]

Originally Posted by kits135i

I do not feel I'm doing it wrong as she does not expect it. So if she expected it like your example I would understand. I do it to show that I thought of her. This is because I'm terrible at know how to do it in another way. I went to the store so I got some flowers. I take her to something she was talking about during the week. Or she really had a need for something but cant get it for herself or whatever the case is. I just do it. Maybe I'm just too nice. Maybe I'm stupid. But one thing I know from my last failed marrage that ended in divorce is I did not provide enough time or effort. So maybe this time I am going overboard because I do not want to loose this one.

Time & effort > expensive gifts.

Originally Posted by kits135i

I guess I don't get what you are saying. But here is how I read it. You are saying its pointless to work hard and have zero nice things to show for it? You are worried she is going to take your gifs and leave you, so you would never buy her nice things because no relationship "needs" them. My take is a 4500 Chanel bag will last the rest of a persons life and then some. So would a Cartier bracelet. Sure you can be cheap and buy a Walmart handbag or bracelet and save thousands, but it will only last a few months to a year max. So after replacing them time and time in your lifetime you spent more money than just buying the nice object to begin with.

One thing you didn't learn from your last marriage was that women don't want just one bag.

For our last 4 anniversaries i've buy my wife a bag, she likes to switch up bags about every 2 months. I don't spend more than $300 on a bag. Is it walmart? no. Is it $4500? no. But somewhere in between and as far as i can tell, comparing expensive bags with the ones i buy doesn't yeild much of a difference. Other than several people will have a knock off of that $4500 bag an will have only paid $50 for it. It's mostly for the name. But don't think a Chanel bag will out last another quality leather bag because it's more expensive. Everyone is different though. She has a $6k bike, but she puts almost as many miles on that bike every year as she does her car. To me, that makes sense.

There is nothing wrong with what you're doing. It just may not be necessary and you may be missing a deeper connection. Worst case is that you're missing that she's a money grubbing female. (Not saying she is, just saying getting to the bottom of what makes her happy could reveal that)

Don't replace real emotional and intellectual connection with gifts. Figure out what makes you guys happy.

[kits135i]

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

Time & effort > expensive gifts.


One thing you didn't learn from your last marriage was that women don't want just one bag.

For our last 4 anniversaries i've buy my wife a bag, she likes to switch up bags about every 2 months. I don't spend more than $300 on a bag. Is it walmart? no. Is it $4500? no. But somewhere in between and as far as i can tell, comparing expensive bags with the ones i buy doesn't yeild much of a difference. Other than several people will have a knock off of that $4500 bag an will have only paid $50 for it. It's mostly for the name. But don't think a Chanel bag will out last another quality leather bag because it's more expensive. Everyone is different though. She has a $6k bike, but she puts almost as many miles on that bike every year as she does her car. To me, that makes sense.

There is nothing wrong with what you're doing. It just may not be necessary and you may be missing a deeper connection. Worst case is that you're missing that she's a money grubbing female. (Not saying she is, just saying getting to the bottom of what makes her happy could reveal that)

Don't replace real emotional and intellectual connection with gifts. Figure out what makes you guys happy.

Very straight forward thinking. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I will look at some other directions I am missing. I am always trying to learn more to make and keep my women happy.

[jasonn]

Originally Posted by KingOfJericho

This.

Let me ask the OP this question: If you were to stop buying her all of these things right now without any change in your career or earnings, how would she react? You also dodged the question about whether or not she works.

My wife really wants a Cartier love bracelet but I've made it abundantly clear that a $5,000 gift just isn't happening. I splurged on her engagement ring and paid for our entire wedding and honeymoon myself but those are major life events. If you're spending $4,500 on a Chanel bag 'just because', my only advice is to be very careful in the future. Those things just should not be a necessity or an expectation in any relationship.

If I were to stop buying her all of these things, she would probably inquire about my current financials and make a judgment from there. If I were doing poorly or encountering hardship, as stated earlier, I am confident she would sell her personal property to help me out. If I were doing well, she probably not be too happy.

Again, this brings me back to my "sacrifice" epiphany. I used to fight with my GF a lot using the argument "what if I couldn't afford it". My GF is stubborn and would never admit directly, but if I couldn't afford it or if she perceived I couldn't afford it, she would never ask.

I did dodge the question about working because I don't really ask her about it. She is a real estate broker; I know when I purchased my house in December she made a $15k commission. I have no idea how much she makes now.

Originally Posted by kits135i

....Maybe I'm stupid. But one thing I know from my last failed marrage that ended in divorce is I did not provide enough time or effort. ...

In the beginning of my relationship I fought with my GF all the time. I used to be of the philosophy "if she really liked me for who I am she wouldn't ask for or care about these material things...she should just like for who I am." This was like 3 months in when we would start having these fights. I really thought about it, and I realized that in actuality her expectations did not change, but rather I was the one who changed. In the courting phase I was so nice to her and took her out to places. When I got comfortable I became a lot cheaper and asked her to split the bill and asked her why she wanted me to buy her anything lol. So basically, I didn't want to put any time and effort in. I took her for granted and I felt I was entitled to it.

Originally Posted by kits135i

...My take is a 4500 Chanel bag will last the rest of a persons life and then some. So would a Cartier bracelet. ...

Sorry if I gave off an air of "just because" but I am confident there was a mutual understanding of the significance of the purchase. GF knows my financials very well, and always tells me I am cheap and should think broader since you only live once and plus I already have a house. We still have disagreements on what to spend money on. She likes vacations and purses. I like cars and technology.

Originally Posted by MidwestGolfBum

No, what they are saying is that their significant others could give a rats ass less if they have these nice possessions as it isn't what defines their relationship. Sure, there is a want, but that doesn't mean that they are going to up and leave because they didn't get some expensive gift they want. They are just as happy to spend time with that person and have to need to give them things so they are happy.

Hope I illustrated more clearly what I meant by expectations. My GF always had wants. But now she feels these wants can be a reality. She's talked about Chanel purse since I've been with her. I bought it for her 2 years later cause she mentioned it again, and I thought I could do it for her why not.

Originally Posted by MidwestGolfBum

You continue to avoid if she works, as well.

above referenced

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

love languages. Figure our the woman's love language and your job is much easier. Knowing is half the battle.

My wife for instance. I used to buy her many small inexpensive items early on in the relationship. When it seemed like they weren't making her happy anymore i started buying more expensive gifts. When that didn't work i started figuring out what makes her happy. Once i found out that that doing the dishes and laundry (before there is a HUGE pile) makes her feel loved, i stopped buying crap. Washing her car, cleaning her bike(s)... basically doing things for her that she would otherwise have to do, makes her day. Figuring out what makes her tick unveiled that just choosing dinner without the whole "what do you want for dinner" crap makes her very happy. These small things go along way and now when i bring home an inexpensive thoughtful gift it means alot more to her. It also makes me happier to buy her something expensive for say our 10 year anniversary and it means much more to her.

Dropping $4k on a bag for no reason makes everything less meaningful. However, if you come from a wealthy family and have stacks of cash, for the women you'll date, hardly anything you buy for them will have that much meaning.

So even if girls like being showered with that garbage, it may not make them feel loved. Save some money and figure out the woman.

Thanks for your post. I agree with you RE the "love languages". Sorry if I misled anyone, but I do believe my purchases have a large significance for my GF. In addition to those purchases I have to make other significant sacrifices.

The formula for my GF is a sacrifice of my comfort and my money: the two things I value most currently. More emphasis on my comfort. So sacrificing my comfort for hers' makes her really, really, really happy. For example, I love the cold. She loves warmth. Simply turning the A/C off when she is around, she gets really happy and she tells me to turn it back on.

When you demonstrate your willingness to sacrifice, often times the woman will give the benefit of the doubt. If she ever asks for a demonstration, you better deliver otherwise all good will built is lost.

TBH it is easier to spend money on her than to sacrifice my comfort for her.

[kevinbahnz]

sounds like you're sacrificing a lot, but what are you getting in return.? is it mutual or just companionship?

[Uber V8]

M.O.B

[keepittrill]

Originally Posted by kevinbahnz

sounds like you're sacrificing a lot, but what are you getting in return.? is it mutual or just companionship?

Sex. And to answer OPs question, I just got out of high school. Pay for a meal and you're in there. No need to keep spending :P hopefully college will be no different

[Mr Tonka]

Originally Posted by jasonn

Sorry if I gave off an air of "just because" but I am confident there was a mutual understanding of the significance of the purchase. GF knows my financials very well, and always tells me I am cheap and should think broader since you only live once and plus I already have a house. We still have disagreements on what to spend money on. She likes vacations and purses. I like cars and technology.

i hope one of you likes retirement accounts / investments.

[keepittrill]

Mr Tonka know what he's talking about! Ask you girlfriend if she'd rather have that X1 lease now or that Lamborghini SUV bought on cash in 20 years. (That may be a bit extreme, but you get the point) and who knows, maybe you guys will have little ones coming eventually! Time to start budgeting!

[keepittrill]

Sorry man, I wasn't trying to make any judgements on your financial status! Sounds like you know what you're doing!

[black335i]

i buy her ice in da winter

[amanda hor$t]

mmm hrhmmm blblbl hrmmm

i'd cut the golddigger loose and buy a house CASH



actually nvm, it's good for the banks and good for the econ (b t dubs, u really gonna come in here and try to eball? you must have missed the house thread)

[jasonn]

Originally Posted by R Grubba Balls

mmm hrhmmm blblbl hrmmm

i'd cut the golddigger loose and buy a house CASH



actually nvm, it's good for the banks and good for the econ (b t dubs, u really gonna come in here and try to eball? you must have missed the house thread)

you called me on it! I actually have nothing and made the whole thing up to get responses

GF left me after six months because I was too cheap. Man I should have said I had a million bucks liquidity and a 10 million dollar house. Then I'd be a true e-baller. Cause, you know, a 1.5 million dollar home in the heart of Los Angeles, is only like a modest 2 story house.

Wrote all of this to get attention and feel better about myself. I know usually the e90post girls use that tactic, but guys let me have this moment alright?

geez

[Comet]

Originally Posted by kevinbahnz

sounds like you're sacrificing a lot, but what are you getting in return.? is it mutual or just companionship?

I bet he only gets sex in return
I know her kind of girl. Always wants more and more and more and more and they figure "well, I give you MY BODY"

women have began putting their own pussy on a pedestal.

[KingOfJericho]

Originally Posted by jasonn

If I were to stop buying her all of these things, she would probably inquire about my current financials and make a judgment from there. If I were doing poorly or encountering hardship, as stated earlier, I am confident she would sell her personal property to help me out. If I were doing well, she probably not be too happy.

I did dodge the question about working because I don't really ask her about it. She is a real estate broker; I know when I purchased my house in December she made a $15k commission. I have no idea how much she makes now.

GF knows my financials very well, and always tells me I am cheap and should think broader since you only live once and plus I already have a house.

Thanks for your post. I agree with you RE the "love languages". Sorry if I misled anyone, but I do believe my purchases have a large significance for my GF. In addition to those purchases I have to make other significant sacrifices.

The formula for my GF is a sacrifice of my comfort and my money: the two things I value most currently. More emphasis on my comfort. So sacrificing my comfort for hers' makes her really, really, really happy.

TBH it is easier to spend money on her than to sacrifice my comfort for her.

I highlighted some MAJOR red flags. What you wrote speaks volumes about your relationship and the dynamics within. You really love your girlfriend and want her to be happy while she really loves the things you provide for her and gets unhappy if they are not provided. Your relationship is like Candy Crush - as long as you keep feeding it money you can keep on playing. Stop those things and I have a feeling it's game over. You already stated that fights occur when you stop spoiling her.

Also, whoever wrote that a Chanel bag would last a girl for the rest of her life has fallen for the biggest con in the book. We have half a closet full of expensive purses, all of which will last "forever."

[Templar]

Wow, I'm glad my fiance likes little things... Like me cutting off a rose from our rose bushes outside and leaving it for her to come home from work to with a little note saying "I love you." ZERO cost, and it had her in tears. The rose has been dead for months now but she still keeps the withered petals in a glass with the note on her nightstand as a reminder.

Ya'll can keep all that other shit, like $5000 purses that she'll get sick of in a few months...

[donovan]

I just wanted to see how many dudes spend a lot of money on their materialistic girlfriends ...

[Joekerr]

Yeah, after reading this thread, gives me renewed appreciation for my wife (not that I didn't already, but even more appreciation). I have to basically convince / beg her to spend $200 on clothing when we go out to shop (and we don't go often since I hate it).

Otherwise, she likes pinching pennies like me - we really think alike on so many areas that its pretty crazy. But perhaps that is something that makes our relationship so good because by nature we are both Type A personalities.

Gotta second some thoughts in this thread - it shouldn't be about the money, if so, watch out / be careful. Try to determine if there's something underneath the stuff that you buy for her (that she really really really appreciates). Time is fine, that's good, I get that and that's admirable that she wants it and you're willing to give it. But what about other gestures - someone mentioned a rose - have you done something small but personal / heartfelt like that with a note and see how she reacts - does she react like she does when she gets stuff? Or better, does she react as she should if she's in love with you rather than being all excited about the purse, just she really shows you that it means a lot to her.

If so, then its probably not about the stuff you buy and you need to keep digging to find it. Like MPOWER / Tonka stated - he found what matters (and imo he nailed it too with some really good advice).

[fun ticket]

Originally Posted by Templar

Wow, I'm glad my fiance likes little things... Like me cutting off a rose from our rose bushes outside and leaving it for her to come home from work to with a little note saying "I love you." ZERO cost, and it had her in tears. The rose has been dead for months now but she still keeps the withered petals in a glass with the note on her nightstand as a reminder.

Ya'll can keep all that other shit, like $5000 purses that she'll get sick of in a few months...

This is one you want to keep........

[Mr. Liu]

asian girls all be gold diggers bro

[keepittrill]

It almost seems like a nice chick is like a car. Gotta make monthly payments to keep em.

[Mr Tonka]

Originally Posted by keepittrill

It almost seems like a nice chick is like a car. Gotta make monthly payments to keep em.

negative. a nice chick is the opposite.

[sasha1015]

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

negative. a nice chick is the opposite.

+1