[KevinLevin]

Please feel free to add your own!


A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.

[NEFARIOUS]

Took me a while to get it while repeating the sentence 4-5 times in a mock Irish accent, but that was pretty good...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Jennifer Lopez;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[NEFARIOUS]

Tim went into the doctors complaining that his wife said he didn't last long enough, so he recommended that he might just be a little too excited and to masturbate before the act. He decided to try it, but was hesitant on where and how... His office has people coming in all the time, there was only 1 men's room on his floor, he was afraid of getting mugged in the alley. On the way home, he actually became too horny to drive with a clear mind, so he came up with the solution of pulling to the side of the highway and crawling under his truck to pretend to inspect the truck's rear axle. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to jack off.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago!"

[NEFARIOUS]

Damn, am I the only one besides OP who posted in this thread?

A young guy has had erectile dysfunction since his youth, and it eventually got so bad, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," he says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"