[nick46]

So it looks like my life is about to be tipped upside-down as after 12 years my wife has decided she's had enough of marriage! Its no surprise to me really as its been on the cards for a number of years. But stupidly I stood by my vows of 'for better or worse' hoping things would eventually get better.
Anyway, as usual in these cases it looks like the woman is gonna come up smelling of roses and through no fault of my own I'm gonna have to be the one who leaves the family home and has to start again - kind of wish I'd had an affair or been a complete ass hole just to justify it somehow!

Now, before I leave I was thinking of getting a 'separation agreement' drawn up by a solicitor so that our finances, mortgage and payments for my daughter could all be sorted. I've spoke to a couple of solicitors and they both say it wouldn't be legally binding and could be contested when it comes to divorce. However, one says its a good thing to do and the other says it can and it can't be. So now I'm not sure if its worth bothering with and maybe I should just leave and then sort it all out with a divorce?

So just a bit of background - our house is our only asset, and I don't want to lose my stake in it. I could buy my wife out but I want to cause as little disruption to my daughter as possible, so therefore I've agreed that my wife and daughter can stay in the house and I'll pay half the mortgage. Then when my daughter is 18 (in 7 years time), either my wife buys me out, I buy her out or the house gets sold and we split the proceeds. I've also agreed to give my wife £300 a month for my daughter. My wife seems to think shes doing me a favour as she recons the CSA payment should be over £400! Not sure where she's got that figure from as I've been on the government site and done the calculation myself and it actually comes in at about £340. Now I've read that the csa payment is used to cover part of the cost of putting a roof over the child's head. Therefore as I'm still going to pay half the mortgage which will be £320 a month plus £300 for my daughter I think £620 a month is more than a fair deal?
Based on that and the fact that I've got to leave the family home through no fault of my own I'd like to think that's a good reason for my wife to leave my pension alone?

Now I'm sure some of you guys have been in a similar situation. Is what im offering unreasonable and is it worth spending a load of money on a separation agreement that won't be legally binding?
Any help and advice would be great.
Life really can be shit sometimes!

[M5Rick]

If there's no reason for separation just having 'enough of marriage' on her part then I would refuse to leave the house, the fall out for the daughter is solely on her plate.
If the separation document is of no legal value then no it's not worth it.

[MsGoGoMoto]

First off, sorry to hear you go through this.
Glad to see your daughter's being taken care of and can remain under a stable roof.
As far as the separation agreement, I don't know if you have taken into consideration on if your wife loses her job and can't make her payment. I guess you sell the home? But you are separated and not divorced.. will that put you in alimony since you're still legally married and she doesn't have income and still decides to divorce?
Looks like things will flip either way since you have one foot in the house and the other outside.

Get rid of the asset by selling and splitting the profit.
Rip the bandaid off and follow through with a full divorce so everything is cut and dry, and you can move on with your life and plan for the kid.

[obert]

Sorry to hear about this it is ruff all around.

First sit down and really think about every detail you can think of that you want in the divorce paperwork. Stuff that affects you now and stuff that can affect you in the future. Once you sign it’s a pain to get anything changed.

You are being very reasonable with paying half and the child support. Should be more than enough for her to leave your retirement alone. But if it’s not then you will have to think about selling the house or whatever.

I did the same thing and moved out and let them live in the house. I wasn’t able to pay half the mortgage but she was able to with no issues. I walked away with all my retirement as well and she cashed me out for the house and we both have moved on. Make sure you have time lines wrote down on when things need to happen or she could legally live in the house forever with out having to sell or cash you out.

Visiting your daughter is huge to keep that relationship strong and healthy. Kids survive and adapt as long as your there for her.

Hope this helped and good luck!

[2000cs]

After my divorce (33 years married) and talking to several other divorced people, especially men, in the USA, my unequivocal advice is to hire the very best attorney/solicitor you can and follow his/her advice. Be aggressive and get as much for yourself and your daughter as you can. There is always more to the story when she wants a divorce and abuse isn’t the reason, and it usually involves another lover.

Because I was “nice” in the divorce I ended up having to hire a PI and gather evidence in another state and go back to court to void the alimony. I would have had to initiate a fraud suit to get back part of the property settlement.

Here a separation agreement can set the terms of a divorce settlement agreement, but it sounds as if things are different there. So again, follow the advice of the best attorney/solicitor you can engage.

You can be nice later, if circumstances warrant. And of course find ways to ensure your daughter has a great life.

Sorry you’re going though this; I know the emotions are tough.

[c1pher]

Divorce rape is a real thing. My 20 year marriage was turbulent and knew it was over 10 years into it. Being in the military kept it going simply because I worked long hours or was deployed etc. As I was getting closer to retirement and finally had a job where I was around all the time is when the final straw occurred. Initially we agreed to try to be equitable but she lawyered up at some point, probably after talking to her posse, and worked me as hard as she could. We were in mediation to try to do things amicably but then one day she gives me a separation agreement. The funny thing was after 12 months of separation and barely any communication (as required by law) she feigned surprise when I sent her divorce papers.

I lost my house and supposed friends except for two, one passed away unfortunately. I didn’t have to start over fully but was set back pretty bad. By law she gets a default amount of my military retirement and tried to get a portion of my disability. Not saying she maybe isn’t entitled to anything, but almost half is a huge slap in the face when I was the one risking my life while she was free to spend my pay for 20 years. Paying alimony and child support sucked especially as she turned the kids against me (we no longer have a relationship). But I was not going to mope around and was determined to start over and not let her affect me financially.

Anyway I say all this because I wish I would have hired a mens rights attorney or something but at the time, I was in a “I’ll pay anything to get out of here mentality”. I urge you not to be that way.

[DenverSteve]

No one here is qualified to speak to your legal concerns because every situation differs - especially with location. I can say that you should not make a move (literally and figuratively) without speaking with an experienced divorce attorney. Depending on your location, laws governing separation, divorce, abandonment of property or persons vary widely and other contributing factors may also be present. You need to protect yourself and your child before making any agreements or statements to your spouse. Sorry to hear about your concerns.

[Murf993]

I'd be reluctant to pay the mortgage and move out while your daughter remains in the house until she's 18. Divorce is two things, it's a financial transaction/equalization and it''s an emotional transaction. Best to keep them separate.

[MKParris]

I got divorced when my kids were 4 and a few months old. My son had medical problems and i went into a deep depression. My wife at the time had made it much worse for me. I hit rock bottom and said i couldnt be around her anymore. I gave her A LOT of money and that was painful because she never worked. It has been nearly 4 years though and it was the best decision i have ever made. I have my kids half the time (because i got divorced due to her, not them) and she is much happier with her new bf who is probably a way better fit for her than i was.

The point of my story is, this will suck in the short term, but in a few years you will look back and be thankful that it happened the way it did.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by DenverSteve

No one here is qualified to speak to your legal concerns because every situation differs - especially with location. I can say that you should not make a move (literally and figuratively) without speaking with an experienced divorce attorney. Depending on your location, laws governing separation, divorce, abandonment of property or persons vary widely and other contributing factors may also be present. You need to protect yourself and your child before making any agreements or statements to your spouse. Sorry to hear about your concerns.

This covers everything I was going to say. Protect yourself at all times. I made the mistake of trying to be the bigger person and take it on the chin. I took it on the chin alright. Close to $100k over 8 years. Your first priority is the daughter, then yourself.

[heitzke]

Originally Posted by DenverSteve

No one here is qualified to speak to your legal concerns because every situation differs - especially with location. I can say that you should not make a move (literally and figuratively) without speaking with an experienced divorce attorney. Depending on your location, laws governing separation, divorce, abandonment of property or persons vary widely and other contributing factors may also be present. You need to protect yourself and your child before making any agreements or statements to your spouse. Sorry to hear about your concerns.

Came here to say the exact same thing. I've been divorced twice and while that technically makes me highly experienced lol, I don't know ANYTHING about how divorce works where you are.

I'm really sorry you're going through this and it'll get better. I had a really rough time with both of mine, especially where the second tried to go the abuse route. It didn't work out for either of us because I had to spend a TON to get a fair and equitable splitting of assets.

[6oclockshadow]

Get a VERY good family attorney. You are already at a great disadvantage (as a male). And before leaving your marital home, talk to this attorney.

Best of luck.

[Gregrobin]

Sorry to hear you are going thru this, went thru it myself 10 years ago, no kids though. I was in my mid 40s then. Like you I did not want the divorce, I am a stubborn ISTJ. Took a while but it was the best thing that happened to me. Time will heal and it will get better. I had the best 10 years of my live after the divorce!

I moved out and let her stay in the house. I wanted things to be quick and amicable. I offered her 1/2 of everything even though my salary was over 80% of our combined income. We used mediation attorney to draw up the papers for the court after we agreed to "who gets' what" - basically furniture, cars, retirement accounts, etc. We ended up getting an appraisal done on the house, agreed on a value, I bought her half out, moved back in, then refinanced for 15 years. I was trying to get her to pay her share of the mortgage thru it all but she wouldn't, so I asked her to leave, and she did. I always loved the house and the neighborhood and wanted to stay here. She did as well, and bought a house about 10 blocks away, oh well.

[zx10guy]

Just wanted to add to some of what others have said. Many responding here are doing so with a US centric and even state centric view point. None of this applies as it's almost clear you're in England where off the bat it seems the laws are very different. I can say in my state, a separation agreement is legally binding and forms the basis and is incorporated into the final divorce decree.

One thing you should check on and if you want to have equal physical and legal custody is what you have to lay out before doing anything rash. In the US and in most states here, if you move out of the marital home, this is considered abandonment. You do not want to move out at all costs if you want to have any say in matters around your child.

Again, everything I've said and what most others have said here are all US centric and will most likely not apply to you. It's best to see if you can find recommendations of attorneys from personal friends. Even if your friends don't have any experience with a family law attorney, they might with an attorney that practices in a different area of law. You can contact that attorney and ask who they would recommend.

[Torgus]

Hire a divorce lawyer yesterday.

Don't take advice about divorce from a car forum.

Jesus.

[ZL9M2]

Hire the best attorney you can. Agree to live as amicably as possible in the house, but do not move out. Settle everything "lump sum"; no ongoing payments, promises or ongoing arrangements.

[Pauldunlop13]

sorry to hear about this

I will say, that letting them live in the house is generous, but can also result in major issues

I agreed to the same - they could live there and we would sell when the youngest finished high school

I paid half the mortgage for 8 months - then the second month after I was off the hook for that, she missed a payment - my credit score dropped 120 points in 1 day (and not hers since the mortgage was only in my name)

I freaked out, but stuck to the deal - until she missed another payment 3 months later (this time it was all on me for trusting her)

I forced the house sale about 2 months later, but it was a battle and now the kids feel like I kicked them out of their house and home

we all should have walked at the same time - both get apartments and move on - it isn't a HOME anymore anyway....

meanwhile, I have 2 x 30 days lates on my credit file for 7 years (I am about 4 years in now)


So
if you are going to continue with this plan, which I don't suggest you do, make sure YOU make the payments - she sends you the money, and you take care of the payment - that way if she shorts you, you still make the payment and have no negative affect that will last years

good luck to you - I know how much this process sucks

[nick46]

Thanks for the kind words and advice. Keep it coming. Think I need to arrange a proper meeting with a solicitor to discuss the best course of action. I know there is going to be some dark times ahead of me, but I will be ok and hopefully will find happiness one day.
Its just proper shit as I've just started a new job that has a great future for me. Thought my life was sorted when I got it! 4 day week, no night shifts, no weekends or Bank holidays, so better work life balance! Couldn't have been further from the truth. So now I've got the massive learning curve of my new job which involves about 2 years of training and all this shit to deal with. Still, my new job is something to focus my mind and I'm more determined than ever yo make it work.

[upstatedoc]

Check her cell phone records! Anyway, my ex-wife convinced me to move to an apartment while we were working on our separation. As soon as my lawyer heard about it he told me to move back to the home immediately as it could be construed as abandonment of my children by me. Oh, and don't believe a word your soon to be ex says.

[2000cs]

Originally Posted by nick46

Thanks for the kind words and advice. Keep it coming. Think I need to arrange a proper meeting with a solicitor to discuss the best course of action. I know there is going to be some dark times ahead of me, but I will be ok and hopefully will find happiness one day.
Its just proper shit as I've just started a new job that has a great future for me. Thought my life was sorted when I got it! 4 day week, no night shifts, no weekends or Bank holidays, so better work life balance! Couldn't have been further from the truth. So now I've got the massive learning curve of my new job which involves about 2 years of training and all this shit to deal with. Still, my new job is something to focus my mind and I'm more determined than ever yo make it work.

There are divorce support groups around, may be worth checking into especially if you’re feeling alone going through this. We can only help so much on a car forum!

[Fritzer]

Originally Posted by nick46

Now I'm sure some of you guys have been in a similar situation. Is what im offering unreasonable and is it worth spending a load of money on a separation agreement that won't be legally binding?
Any help and advice would be great.
Life really can be shit sometimes!

I've personally been around a lot of divorces, and actually worked in a large family law firm for some amount of time. In America, every state has different standard and practices in terms of divorce, so I would only be helpful in a very broad sense for another state, or relatively specifically in the state of California. With the UK, I have no idea.

I will say though, it would probably be in your best interest to split up any assets that connect you to your spouse sooner rather than later. Especially if it is a relatively toxic relationship and you don't really see any recourse of becoming mutual in the future. Doing that will save you a lot of headache and time in the future when time comes to split up the house's assets in 7 years. Let the lawyers handle calculating what alimony/child support is owed after selling the house. That is what I would recommend you do.

[c1pher]

Originally Posted by 2000cs

There are divorce support groups around, may be worth checking into especially if you’re feeling alone going through this. We can only help so much on a car forum!

I think these are helpful but don’t stick along for too long since many of these folks are stuck in a rut and it’s an never ending cycle of suck. Learn what you can, get it off your chest and move on. Otherwise you’ll never recover emotionally.